


Jack the Gingerdead Man

by DemonicallySassy, Sassy_assassin



Category: Borderlands, Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: Crack Fic, M/M, the gingerdead man au, this got out of hand
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-11-07
Packaged: 2018-08-29 18:52:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8501356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemonicallySassy/pseuds/DemonicallySassy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sassy_assassin/pseuds/Sassy_assassin
Summary: Rhys is a baker who brings to life Jack, an evil serial killer in the form of a gingerbread man.





	

**Author's Note:**

> My friend and I watched a terribly bad horror movie called the Gingerdead Man. Somehow this abomination of a fic came out of it. It got out of hand.

Rhys put on his frilly blue apron, rolling out the dough in the back of his bakery. He pressed down on the large gingerbread cookie cutout, separating the piece from the rest of the dough, and placing the cookie in the oven.

As the timer dinged, he put on his oven mitts, pulling the cookie from the oven. He placed the decorations on it, adding some frosting flourishes for the hair, and smiled as the cookie started to move on its own. He’d done it. He’d finally brought life to his creation. And he was hot...from the oven. 

***

Rhys stood at the counter of the bakery, closing up for the day as Vasquez walked up. He frowned. 

“Hey Rhys. You think about my offer?”

“I’m not selling the bakery!” Rhys yelled, walking upstairs to where he lived. Vasquez owned the bakery across the street and had been trying to get Rhys to sell his bakery for awhile. He knew he couldn’t compete with Vasquez’s chain bakery, but he couldn’t bear to sell.

“What’s wrong cupcake?” Jack asked, as Rhys got back to his apartment above the bakery. Rhys looked at the gingerbread cookie, frowning.

“It’s Vasquez. He’s trying to buy my bakery and his place is running me out of business,” Rhys said sadly. The gingerbread Jack looked at Rhys, a dark smirk on his frosting features.

“Don’t worry babe, I’m sure it’ll all work out.”

“I hope so,” Rhys said, a wistful look on his face. He started to get ready for bed, and as soon as Rhys fell asleep, Jack snuck out of the apartment and back downstairs. 

The man was still out front  when Jack found him. He had grabbed a knife and now pressed it up against Vasquez. The man looked down in surprise at the gingerbread cookie.

“Oh cute, is this some kind of new gimmick to try and save this poor excuse for a bakery?” Vasquez said, as Jack slashed his leg with the knife. He yelped in pain, as Jack got him into the kitchen in the back of Rhys’s bakery, backing Vasquez up to the oven. “Hey!” Vasquez yelled, as Jack pushed him into the oven, closing the door behind him.

“I’m gonna burn your buns.” Jack turned the oven up all the way, laughing as Vasquez’s screams echoed around the bakery.

***

“Hmm, I must’ve forgotten a cake in the oven,” Rhys said as he opened up the oven the next morning. He shrugged and went back to getting prepared for the day. As he went out to the front, two customers were already there. “Can I get you guys anything?” 

The two men looked at him, eyeing him up and down. “Slice me off a piece of that.”

“Yeah, how much for that piece of cake?” The other man said, eyeing Rhys’s ass, though pointing at one of the cakes in the display. Rhys frowned, a blush on his cheeks as he tried to ignore the men. He glared as the men leered at him, and went to the back where the kitchen was to grab some samples of the cake.

Jack showed up while Rhys was still in the back, holding his knife as he approached the two men. “Oh I heard you want a slice of that, well how about a slice of this!” Jack slashed the knife across the two men’s throats, killing them both instantly just as Rhys walked out of the kitchen.

“What happened?” Rhys yelled, looking at the bodies lying in his bakery. He watched as the blood spilled onto his floor, and then gave a thoughtful expression. “Did you do this for me?” Rhys said, smiling. “Well I guess we can always start selling meat pies?” he suggested, as cookie Jack grinned.

“I love the way you think babe, it really gets my dough cooking. If I had a human body right now I’d totally flour your muffins,” Jack smirked, his frosting smile more of a leer. Rhys swooned.

“I want your frosting all over me Jack!” Rhys said, his expression filled with lust as he looked at the gingerbread cookie. Just as he was about to lay his lips on Jack’s frosted face, Gortys, Rhys’s dog came up and ate Jack.

“Nooo!!!” Rhys screamed in horror as he tried to get the gingerbread man out of the dog’s mouth, but it was too late. “Gortys, spit him out! You have a gluten allergy!” Rhys yelled, practically in tears. Rhys dropped to the ground, his hands grabbing at the few remaining crumbs of Jack on the floor. “ I can still taste you on my lips,” Rhys cried, his tears mixing with the crumbs as he licked them out of his hands.

Gortys made a hacking noise, throwing up the gingerbread Jack, and Rhys crawled to him. “Jack can you hear me!? I can rebuild you! Bake you stronger than before!” he cried. 

“It’s too late Rhys,” Jack said, his candy eyes barely able to stay open. “I loved you almost as much as I loved murdering people, my little baker boy.”


End file.
